a HUGE decision...

What should I do?
Should I swallow my doubt and take this chance?
It is so nerve wrecking. I am terrify of the outcome of my decision.
It will affect me physically and mentally... ARGHH!!!
Should I take this opportunity?
I guess, I just have to believe in Allah...
His guidance and power will bring me towards my success.
I just have to believe in Allah.

Love

2012!! The end of my psycosis life.

I have always had difficulty in finding my merits.

Sure, when you ask other people what kind of person I am, they'll probably describe me as 'angel that came from high up in the sky', nice, pretty and kind--bla-bla-bla-bla [boring]

But when I look at myself, I see... well...anything but all those nice and warm things that people said. 

I asked bountiful of friends concerning their opinion on me... I can tell when my friends are lying to me... and that is why I deduced an ultimate conclusion.

My friends see me as this:                                                 While I, see myself as this:

Sometimes, I wondered. Why a certain people like me (get real! majority of people are...)  unable to actually satisfy with what they got? Why do we seek more? Isn't what Allah has given us are enough?

I was born with perfect pair of hands and feet. Functional, yet average-intelligent brain. I'm still breathing.

I have parent who adores me. I have many friends who I hang out with. I have Allah, Rasulullah and Islam that I prioritise as my belief. I SHOULD BE HAPPY.

Still, when I got back to my room, putting my schoolbag on the corner of the room, perform my prayers...alone... I kept on getting absorbed into this parallel thoughts that always putting my mind and my confidence down. 'It' pushed my mind to think that what I do and what I got is never enough. So, in the end, I often compared myself with anyone who is better than me. I always tried my best and when I failed, I felt like a total scum. What kind of sickness is this?

One will never know.

HOWEVER! 2012 is here and January is almost over. I need to change my perspective on life. Yeah, yeah. I talked too much about my 'perspective on life'. How to achieve, well, I'll wait and see. If I find it. Insya-Allah. I'll share it with you. 

Love.

Man Proposes, God Disposes.

When people plan on something, either it is big or small, only with God's will, will the plan(s) come to pass and succeed. In other word, 'Man Proposes, God Disposes.' 

Alhamdulillah. Praise to Allah for His kindness and blessing on my dear small birthday. Yes. Finally I stepped into the reign of my final teen years, as what my friend told me. However, I didn't know that 19 is still considered  adolescent because I was really excited to be called as an adult. Teenage years is overrated and I have enough being treated as a child for the past 18 years of my life. I planned on stepping my 19-years-old tittle with grace and aptitude but I am not quite sure I did a good impression on it. I feel the same and I talk with same style which clearly showed that I have not mastered a sufficient amount of sophisticated vocabularies. My actions always sway with certain child-like poise and I smiled with the same goofy grin that will look awful in photographs. I am still me and I feel no different. I think. 

Anyway, the title for this particular post is really significant to me. Remember that I was planning to embrace my 19th birthday with grace, right? So, a day before my birthday, I drove all the way from my university to come home to ask for my mother's assistance in helping me to make my personal birthday cake. It was just a simple 'Kek Batik' but the cake-making-process was intense since it was my first time learning the recipes. My hand was stained with spilled-hot chocolate and my nightshirt is smeared with biscuits' crumbs and Milo powder but with A LOT of help from my doted mother, the final result was surprisingly wonderful. WE did a tremendous job and finished it within a  limit of 1 hour before putting the cake into the fridge to cool off.

I was planning to give the cake to my classmates to taste so I woke up at 5 o'clock in the morning just to cut the cake into small-but-irregular cubic pieces. To cut 'Kek Batik' take a lot patience, strength and precision. The cake was hard as ice, fresh and cold from the refrigerator and  if you don't concentrate, the knife might slid off the hard-stone surface and cut your finger instead. I am no expert and that is why I talking gibberish about my first experience as a novice 'Kek Batik' maker. However, the cake was acceptably delicious and I should give myself a pat on the shoulder for my earnest efforts. Alhamdulillah, a satisfying first attempt.

It was Friday and it was already 6 hours away from my Birthday Eve. After managing to take a short shower, I prepared myself to drive back to the hostel around 6:20 A.M. Thankfully, I succeeded on avoiding the traffic and arrived at my university around seven but I was hit by a splash of cold water when I received a message that all classes were cancelled due to a seminar in session. "Astarghfirullah! I have a huge food container full of 'kek Batik' in my car boot and there were no one to serve it to." The university is too big to call them out from their dorms and with my luck, the morning turn from bad to worst when it started to rain cats and dogs. I panicked.  How am I expect to gather all my classmates? I need to think of a plan and fast! 

Now, to gather all of them was not an easy task but lets just said that I sacrificed my phone bills to call all of my classmates to meet me up for a meeting.  It was a small gathering but I couldn't asked for more. I served the cake and I couldn't be much happier to hear sweet and encouraging praises from my friends. Showers of birthday wishes were sprinkled on me like endless commentators from a deejay of a popular radio stations and I couldn't stop myself grinning from ear to ear like a girl who just found out that Hogwarts and Harry Potter really do exists. My birthday was ordinary as it can be, despite the slight problems here and there. I was given the opportunity to celebrate it with my friends and it was enough to make my day. My effort didn't go to waste and I have Allah to thank for. Surely without His consent, I might have no chance to let my friends have a taste of the cake at all. Sure, He gave me various obstacles along the way such as the sudden event like the seminar and the pouring rain, but if all the things that I want was given to me in a silver platter,  how am I suppose to learn anything about life? The experience taught me to be stronger and it also showed me my own capabilities and wills to strive for my ambition. I can extend my feet to the farthest land on Earth if I want to but it takes precision action and iron will to ensure its' success.  

"Keep the Ball Rolling," said Bloggy.

Hmm, I wasn't inspired to open my blog and key-stroking my keyboard to tell you an interesting story. I am finished with brilliant ideas, anyway. However, after one boring day in a bright sunny afternoon, I have the inclination to type 'Blogger.com' to take a peek at my dear 'bloggy' for the very first time after two months of desertion. I was feeling a bit guilty. 'bloggy' did not look good. She was a bit lonely since I only fed her with two posts. She said, "It was not enough to entertain me". I am ashamed to call myself a blogger citizen. I was supposed to take care of 'bloggy' with tender love and care and at least give her something to nibble on twice a week but instead I have kept an empty promise to 'bloggy'. She seemed upset but I was surprised that she is giving me this one chance to send a post to her. Thank you 'bloggy', I love you. 

I will try to uphold my promise to you and keep the ball rolling. 

And to you, my dear stalkers... whoever reading this. I hope you will send me chain notes if I ever forget about 'bloggy' again. Be a saint and make sure that 'bloggy' is taken care of by a responsible master. 

Love. 

L.I.F.E - Lamenting over my Insecurity that Fluctuate Easily.

ASSALAMUALAIKUM. 

Everything comes in circle. 

Karma.

Food chain.

Me?

I was caught with this inclination to kill myself. 

-Once upon a time ago-

true...

I always though that...

My life is worthless.

pathetic 

Just a mere dust in this vast universe.

Insignificant [period]

But, just a second before I decide to take the leap, 

a new revelation comes to me in a silver platter.

-I luv Islam-

INSTEAD of ending it....

why don't I embrace the life that the Almighty is giving me?

His blessing. 

His gift.

Death is not an option, not when you have so much to live for.

NOT till you have enough merit from Allah.

Not until I am sure I will face Allah with full recognition that I have done what Allah had asked me to do

as a Muslim,

 and carried out his orders..

to be a true Muslimat....

Insya Allah.

Sadly, words and long speech cannot make a difference

Then? What will? 

answer: IF I don't take the 'leap' to make the difference! Duh.

I constantly reminding myself:-

Life comes in full circle...

When it starts, it never ends...

Life continues to make swift move in a round shape

again and again...

Don't get it?

LOL

Me neither... 

It is complicated to explain.

but this is how I understand...

no question ask. 

Because I understand that

when you're sad, you will bound to be happy...

when you're mad, you'll bound to find peace

when you're scared, you'll bound to find courage

when you're sick, you will be cured, indefinitely.

when all seems lost, you will find a way.

BUT! [remember] only with God's will!

but basically, everything about me...

the struggle, my happiness, my success,

it comes in full circle.

Good and bad, it will sequentially change their roles in my life.

[Teacher,example please!]

Okay, here's the simplest example...

-----------------------------------------

Monday: bad day:

 Start: Lecturing hour  & End: weekend. 

[ Mood: frown! ]

Friday: Joyful day : 

End: Lecturing hour -- Start: Weekend.

[ Mood: Grin from ear to ear ]

Monday again... friday again.... monday...Friday.... :P lol

[Now, try to draw a circle for this situation LOL]

------------------------------------------

That is why, even though I am trying to change myself...

I AM AFRAID

My efforts to change might be temporary.

Like a circle, 

Present: all so hyped up with my resolution! Good Muslimat!

future: Huh? Why did I write this freaking post in this blog? Delete please!

Future: Start from scratch and babbling to friends that you are trying to change for good {again}

...................................................................

Ya Allah, help me to be strong so that I will always stay true in a right path. 

Let me at least make this one thing be a straight line... 

This part of me who wants to change...

And guys.... 

[Teacher, so gender-bias! why only guys?]

~Oops, wrong choice of words.. LOL~

~cough, cough~

And friends, (happy now?)

[YES!]

If you are reading, pray for my success.

May I have the strong will to change. 

Aminn~

SALAM.  

Thank you.

I was in a dump

breaking my soul into pieces

I was bleeding

and all I see is empty spaces.

I cried deep inside

I tear up my heart

Just for anyone to see

how i actually live

People walk on air

as i drag my feet

through the thorned stairs

with nothing but my needs

People talk, out come a song

i speak, out come my haul

it is a stack of curses

one ofter another.

I feel--loneliness

no one dares to look

no one dares to help

their eyes says,

'she is not worth it'

BUT... BUT... BUT...

you came, you smile

you say it all be fine

BUT... BUT... BUT...

you came, you look

you say 'time is all it took'

that is it! 

what i want to hear

you-- the only one

comfort me with words

how dirty i am

how foul my heart is

you come at last

to say how i worth to be -- 'everything'

I haul... 

to say thank you... to you

I cried now,

to say thank you... to you

thank you... to you....

for your light.

your shine

your grace.

your kindness

my friend......